I Thought I Deserved It
by StrangerDanger101
Summary: no one knew how sad naruto really was all they saw was his mask and with a dangerous deal almost complete will someone notice his pain an help him of will it be to late. mentions of rape and cutting, minor violece
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto Masashi Kishimoto did**

**sorry for any misspelled words I'm not the best speller in the world**

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><p><span>Chapter 1 - How It Started<span>

It started when I was five; the depression, the hopelessness, and the voice I now knew was the Kyuubi. The villagers had always looked at me with hate in there eyes even beat me, but I took it all not knowing why they all hated me so. My five year old mind figured that maybe I had deserved it in some way or maybe it was to get back at the parents that I had never known. All the bad feelings came the night that man had chased me into an ally way and cornered me at a dead end. I can still feel his hands all over my small body.

_It was late and raining but I was still out walking around. Where most kids were at home tucked lovingly into there beds I didn't want to have to go to my lonely apartment were there were no blankets or food for me to fill my empty stomach with. I was taken out of my thoughts by the sound of some guy telling me how much of a monster I am and how he should just kill me. They all say that but they never do; only beat me till I'm close to death. I continued walking. Apparently the man didn't appreciate me ignoring him cause he threw the bottle he was holding at me and started to run after me. Being the five year old I was I ran hoping to get away from him. My stubby legs kept tripping me but I quickly got back up and ran even faster. I was close to my apartment and decided to take a shot cut through the ally way hopping to loose the obviously drunk man. While I was looking back to see if I had indeed lost the man I ran into something hard and found that there was a wall. My only means of escape was gone. The man had not fallen for my trick and had been right on my trail scowling the whole time, but seeing how I was now trapped brought an evil smirk to his lips. He quickly advanced on me - hitting me, and tearing my clothes – and when he touched my skin something in him change and he became rougher. I didn't know what was happening at the time only that it had hurt – feeling like he had split me in half and tore my insides to pieces. He didn't stop for a very long time and I found myself thinking for the first time how much I wished that darkness that always overcame me at times like this would come and keep me forever. To never wake up or have to go through all this pain would be so nice. Dieing I think its called... ya... thats what the old man called it, when you never wake up. I wanna die._

Waking up in that same ally way cold, naked, and with a sense of self hate so strong all I could see was red was when I remembered the thing I had wanted most last night. I still wanted it. Running home as quick as my numb little legs would let me I kicked my door in and grabbed the kuni that someone had thrown through my window. It was beautiful – the glossy black of the metal, the edges that promises to be sharp, the scratches to prove it was well used – when I gently ran my finger over the blade I felt a stinging pain and looked to see blood coming out of a cut on my finger. It was mesmerizing the way it was that dark red and how the sun hits it. I wanted to see more of it. The voice I had heard earlier was telling me to stop but I didn't want to listen I just continued to move the kuni closer to an area were I knew it would bleed more.

When the kuni was placed above my wrist and I was getting ready to bring it down for the cut when suddenly my body just stopped working. That voice that I had heard before was louder now. I had been ready for the stinging pain and the sweet promise of relief death would bring me but the voice refused to let me have it.

'_You can't die kit. If you die then I die and thats not what I want to do. Unlike you I cherish my life. Lets make a deal; you figure out how to free me from this god forsaken prison and I'll let you end your life.' _It sounded as if the voice was growling like an animal and it scared me, but the deal was to much to pass up. The only thing is though that I didn't need the deal to kill myself just the kuni that is still in my hand suspended above my arm. With a sigh sounding in my head the kuni was stabbed into my arm and all I could feel was the pain from the cut but also the pleasure from the numbness that was overtaking me. '_You poor boy suffering so much for your father foolish mistake. When you awaken I will tell you all you need to know.' _When I wake up? No I don't _want_ to wake up. I couldn't argue with the voice anymore it seemed to have disappeared or was that me...


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto Masashi Kishimoto did**

**sorry for any misspelled words I'm not the best speller in the world**

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><p><span>Chapter 2 – I Found A Starting Point<span>

When I was seven I learned not to stay out no the streets at night because that man had found me, cornered me, and done the same terrible thing. That night I had tried to end it like but like all the other times I had tried to die the voice I now knew as the nine tailed fox, Kyuubi, would remind me of the deal we had made. It had taken me a couple months to realize that no matter what I did the fox could control my movements when I was about to kill myself. I would know what I wanted to do and have a wonderful picture in my mind, but when I was about to do it my body would freeze. Every time I failed he would say '_think of the deal I'm offering you' _and I would, but my child's brain figured that I could just do it myself.

Kyuubi taught me things from math, reading an writing to fighting styles, and ninjutsu. I thought it was pointless to learn those things because I would hopefully be dead soon, but Kyuubi said that I should cause you never know how long its gonna take to break the seal holding him inside of me. I didn't think it would be that hard – I mean I get stuff out of my body all the time – then he showed me the seal and I realized that what he said was true and I am going to need the stuff he teaches me because setting him free is going to take a long time. It wasn't fair. I sent hours looking at that seal and instead of finding the freedom the demon fox so desired I found something else.

I rushed around my empty home looking for a bag and finally found one under my bed. Taking it I ran out the door an on top of the roof tops so I could ovoid the violent people in the bed neighborhood that I lived in. unfortunately I had to jump down though so I could look through the street to find all the materials that it need.

'_What are you looking for kit that has you out in the busiest time of the day?' _said Kyuubi. I mentally put a wall in front of my thoughts like he had taught me so he couldn't see my idea. Walking around and finding what I was looking for I turned and started heading towards my favorite ramen shop, Ichiraku Ramen. It was then a rock the size of my hand hit me right in the back of the head. I didn't bother turning around and just continued walking as more rocks were thrown at me and a chorus of _demon, freak, _and _why can't you die_ followed me the whole way to my favorite place in the whole village. Faces by then had turned to watch giving me there hateful stares while laughing at my misery. It had been that way as long as I could remember but the hateful stares always hurt a little more each time I heard them. Everyone acted like this around me and I thought I would never meet a nice person, but then I met Iruka-sensei and he showed me that there were nice people out there.

I remember when Iruka-sensei had approached me for the first time; I was so scared, but he looked at me with a kindness I had never seen before. He brought me to the academy and had me enrolled. It was the first kindness anyone had shown me and I was the happiest I could've been, but when class mates started to disappear only to be put in another class I knew what was happening. Iruka-sensei's kindness had turned into a burden and my heart continued to sink deeper into a pit that had started to become endless. I stopped going to the academy, thinking the missing kids would go back, but sensei found me and made me go back saying he didn't care about what the parents said or how they moved there kids to a different class. It was that night that I met old man Teuchi and his daughter Ayame. That was my second act of kindness. They didn't judge me or call me names or hurt me in anyway. To them I was a person so I kept going there even without Iruka-sensei, and soon ramen became my favorite food.

When I finally got to the sanctuary of the noodle shop I let out a relieved sigh. When the old man saw me he greeted me with a smile and I sat down on the same stool I claimed as mine.

"So Naruto hows my favorite costumer doing today. I was surprised when I saw you come in with the crowded streets an all. Since your hear I figure its for ramen so can I get you the usual miso." He said with a kind voice. It was a voice he always used with me, a voice that warmed me up on the inside if only a little bit.

"Hiya old man I'm doing fine and I needed something in the village so I put on my brave face an faced the crowd." I smiled while I talked to Teuchi but it wasn't a real smile and the noodle guy knew it. "I actually came here cause I was wondering if Ayame-chan had any red an white clothes I could have that she had outgrown or didn't want." At that moment Ayame walked into the shop, coming back from what appeared shopping if the bags in her hand were any indication, and gave me a questioning look.

"Why would you want some of my old clothes Naru-chan? Do you need clothes because if you do I could take you shopping for some." She had a kind smile on her face but as soon as she saw my expression her smile feel and she took on a look of concern. "Oh Naruto is it because you have no money to buy clothes I mean I can give you some if – " I cut her off before she could finish her sentence. I didn't want her to give me money that she needs to survive when I don't. I didn't deserve that kind of kindness.

"No Ayame-chan I don't need money or clothes, but thank you for offering. I don't want you to feel pressured to do that kind of stuff for someone like me." She looked like she was about to protest but I waved it off with my hand. "The clothes aren't for me I want to make something but don't have any material, and that stuff they put in stuffed animals if you have some of that that you don't need can I have that to, please." They looked at each other then me before the old man nodded his head. Ayame-chan left to go do get the clothes I had asked for inside of there house.

"Naruto why don't you buy material if you don't have any." When he saw my eyes getting wider he quickly tried to reassure me. "No Naruto I didn't mean it like that its just that I know how much you hate crowds and this time of the day will find the biggest crowds all around the village, and your house is kinda far from here." His concerned words were doing nothing to make me feel better. I knew it, I'm a bother for them, maybe I should leave. But I had to wait for the clothes.

"She was right I don't have any money to buy clothes let alone material. Plus none of the shop keepers will let me into there store; they just yell at me for even standing in front of them." I wasn't smiling anymore, my voice had lowered to a strangled whisper, and the hopeless feeling I felt all of the time was tearing at my already shredded insides. Teuchi shook his head and proceeded to tell me how all of the shop keepers were really bad people for not letting me in there shops. I knew he was trying to cheer me up, but it didn't really help at all. I still felt worthless. Sometime during the talk of bad shop keepers Ayame-chan had come back to the store with a bag in hand. Excitedly I jumped off my stool but ended up tripping an fell to the floor. Shock overcame me when instead of the usual insults an laughter I heard concerned gasps and felt a pair of gentle arms lifting me up an dusting me off.

"Naruto are you okay?"

"Not bleeding any were are you?"

They looked worried so I smiled like I had seen kids do to there worried parents, and hopped that the two family members would leave the situation alone. There concern was starting to make me uncomfortable.

_'Thats because you've never felt concern before. Not even that old man you seem to care for so much can take a break from his hokage duties to worry for you.' _The demon fox was as cheerful as ever with his kind comments. Why was I even trying to help him. My mood then fell when I remembered that I couldn't end my worthless life with him still inside of me. It took five minutes for me to convince Teuchi and Ayame that I was fine and to grab the clothes I had asked for. Ayame-chan had even found some stuffing for me that she had left over from when she had been making stuffed animals for sick kids in the hospital. After throwing out a quick thank you I heredly ran home.

It took me two weeks to finish my project, and I thought it looked good for something a seven year old did by themselves. Kyuubi didn't like it very much and said how it looked nothing like him. True it most likely did not but it had the general shape of a fox but instead of one it had nine tails. I was proud of myself that I had kept my plan from the sharp tongued demon. Of course with the mental distraction I hadn't been paying to much attention to my surroundings and had been beaten three times, stabbed once, and when I had not been paying attention to the time an how dark it was around me found myself in that same ally with that same man. I couldn't help but ask why these things kept happening, sure I had the nine tailed fox sealed inside of me, but I had never done anything to these people personally to hate me this much. I still couldn't walk without a limp.

I shrank into myself to look at the seal so I could get the correct seal – I didn't want to mess up – and then quickly left my subconscious. When I was conscious I grabbed my kuni and effortlessly made a deep cut going from my elbow to my wrist on my right arm. For once I ignored the feeling of bliss cutting myself bring and brought the quickly healing arm over a glass container that had some ink in it. My arm healed quickly but I had already gotten plenty of blood into the container. After mixing throughly it mixture was ready so I dipped my pen in it and started copying the seals I wanted onto the back of the Kyuubi look-a-like. When the seals were done and checked I preformed a few hand seals like in the book I had read. The stuffed animal started to glow, and then there was an unbearable pain in my stomach, like something was tearing my insides, and I looked to seal the seal my father made appear on my stomach.

I think I passed out for a couple of minutes but when looked down at the ground there was my stuffed animal, but it was moving and looking at me with a surprised expression. I did it. I DID IT! I couldn't help but do a little victory dance. Something then proceeded to bump into my leg and looking down once again to look at my creation only to find it trying to attack me. With a small amused smile on my face I picked up Kyuubi; finding it surreal that now could in fact pick him up.

_"Damn you you little worthless human, what did you do to me to make me have none of my chakra?" _With the new found consciousness outside of my body also apparently gave the demon a voice. I didn't want that, but oh well. Besides as a stuffed animal he sounded a lot cuter then he does inside me.

"I didn't do anything to you that I didn't want to. Besides the talking this is how you're supposed to be. I took part of the seal that holds you and put it on the back of the plushy an did a few hand seals – went through a lot of pain but nothing I'm not used to – and brought your consciousness out of my body an into the animal." I was proud of myself, and had every right to be. Kyuubi had said that it would take me years to figure out what was what in the seal let alone figure out how to destroy it. Proved him wrong; the bastard for doubting me.

_"That still does not explain why I have no chakra!" _Did he not understand? I figured with his all knowing ways he would get what I was saying.

"Its only your conscious that came out of the seal and not your power. That is still sealed up inside of myself. I have not yet figured out how to bring it out." My tone was explanatory but the look on his face said that he didn't believe me. I'm not stupid, just act like it so the people of the village don't think of me as a threat more than they already do.

_ "Good job kit, and for breaking part of the seal I will give you an award."_ I didn't know what he meant by breaking the seal. When I opened my mouth to ask what he meant I was soon silenced as a kuni suddenly appeared in my hand. On closer inspection I saw that it was my kuni. I looked at it in confusion, but then I started to hear the voices of villagers; could feel the ghost of fists an kicks to my small body. There words were always the same but they hurt every time more an more. I could hear the voices chanting something over and over.

_Monster... monster... monster, monster, monstermonstermonster_

The chanting was getting louder, faster, and more vicous as seconds passed. I wanted it to stop; to have everything stop, the pain of there voices, the curse of living. I wanted it all gone. Without knowing it I had brought the kuni down to slice the paper thin skin between my elbow and my wrist for the second time that day. I did notice when I started to go numb. Giving one of my rare smiles I fell to the ground, laying in the growing puddle of my blood. For the first time since the first night I had tried to kill myself I saw a never ending darkness and I happily leaped into it. Before my hearing disappeared I swear I heard laughter, but paid it no mind and sent up a prayer hoping to never wake up.


End file.
